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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26931934">Gilderoy Lockhart's Faithful Admirer</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/DashFnanz/pseuds/DashFnanz'>DashFnanz</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, Comedy, Crack Relationships, Drama, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gilderoy Lockhart is His Own Warning, Gilderoy Lockhart is Narcissistic, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Professors, Love Letters, Mirrors, Technically... this is canon, This is 7k of comedy and crack who am I kidding, Valentine's Day</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-09 04:14:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,812</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26931934</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/DashFnanz/pseuds/DashFnanz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>His lovely golden hair is curled in the same style as Gilderoy's, with a single long lock falling just so above one baby blue eye. They are a deep cornflower blue, Gilderoy's favourite shade—he has the exact same eyes, but of course, that has nothing to do with his liking of the colour.<br/> </p><p>  <i>Featuring Gilderoy Lockhart and his lookalike lover, a mysterious letter, and a very annoyed Severus Snape. Comedy with crack-ish elements.</i></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Gilderoy Lockhart/Gilderoy Lockhart</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Gilderoy Lockhart's Faithful Admirer</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey, guys! This is shocking me so much, let me tell ya. The second fic under 10k in a row! Unbelievable.</p><p>This fic is completely, irrevocably, a crack!fic. It's my first one where I've ventured into outright crack territory, and I'm pretty pleased with the result. Of course, that does say a lot about the state of my sanity. Oops.</p><p>The idea for this premise came from the fantastic Bex <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/DobbyRocksSocks/pseuds/DobbyRocksSocks">(DobbyRocksSocks)</a> and so she deserves the credit for the 7k of nonsense I've come up with. And the blame. So much blame. Seriously, just blame her :p</p><p>Thank you so much to my lovely beta Angela <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/sophh/pseuds/sophh">(sophh)</a> for putting up with me and my madness, and for hopping on and saying yes to this crazy train on such short notice. Thank you for the comments, the compliments, the honesty, and all the encouragement.</p><p>Shoutout to the wonderful N, who read this twice, left me reactions every three sentences, and compared one of the characters here to one of her favourite characters from her favourite fandom. You're the bestest reaction reader in the history of ever ;D</p><p>Disclaimer: J.K Rowling is <i>not</i> a goddess, but her writing is magical, and I can never compare. So, she keeps the characters, the places and her own created world, while I borrow them all every now and then like the pathetic human I am. The plot is all mine though!</p><p>Warnings: mild language, a lot of crack, Gilderoy Lockhart is His Own Warning.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>"You are the most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes on."</p><p>The breathtakingly handsome man before Gilderoy smiles back at him, flashing a row of perfectly even pearly whites that could make You-Know-Who swoon.</p><p>"Look at you," Gilderoy breathes, wonderstruck. "Look at how perfect you are."</p><p>The man's perfectly milky skin alights with a lovely, light blush, spreading evenly across sharp cheekbones. He tilts his head, ducking down, and his silky golden curls fall into his bright eyes. When he looks back up through his thick eyelashes, his blue irises are heavy with suggestion.</p><p>Gilderoy breathes in. "I'm sorry, is that a flirtation?" The beautiful man bites his lip silently.</p><p>"You know why we can't, darling," Gilderoy says regretfully. "We have too many obstacles keeping us apart. Our love must remain a forbidden one."</p><p>The man's pink lips form a plush pout. Gilderoy has to fight not to reach out and ravish him right then and there.</p><p>"No," Gilderoy stresses, "Do not tempt me with your charms. I won't give in."</p><p>The man's pout deepens. He looks at Gilderoy beseechingly.</p><p>"I won't," Gilderoy repeats with an unsatisfied moue. Oh, but those lips look so very enticing…</p><p>"No," he affirms, shaking his head forcefully. The man tosses his golden head in response.</p><p>When Gilderoy sees the man's reaction, he frowns. The man simply frowns back. His cupid bow lips look attractive even in frustration.</p><p>"Oh, come on," Gilderoy cajoles, "Don't be like that, darling. You're gorgeous, you know that. You're making it very difficult to walk away."</p><p>The man cheers up, smiling sweetly. His silky crimson red robes give him both an ethereal and seductive look. Gilderoy isn't sure which side of him is more alluring.</p><p>He sighs, and takes a step away. The man looks sad now, seemingly growing smaller. "I'll be back soon, I promise," Gilderoy assures the beauty. "Today is a big day. It's Valentine's Day! A day meant just for lovers; how can I not spend it with you? I simply have to deal with all those pesky people first—students and teachers and whatnot."</p><p>The man looks torn.</p><p>"Don't worry, darling. They all crave my attention, and I must give them something to keep them satisfied. But rest assured, you are the only one I have eyes for."</p><p>The man flashes him a smile so bright, it could have won <em>Witch Weekly's</em> Most Charming Smile Award.</p><p>Gilderoy grins back, feeling satisfied.</p><p>"See you soon, my love," he says, blowing the man a little kiss. The man blows one back, and it is the sweetest sight he has seen all morning. "I'll be back as soon as I can. Stay right where you are for me."</p><p>As hard as it is to pull away, Gilderoy takes a breath and moves back. Temptation calls him to his lover again, but with sheer effort, he resists.</p><p>He turns around and heads for the large desk in the other corner of his bedchamber. The lacquered wood surface is long and wonderfully uncluttered, the polish glistening against the dappled sunlight falling from the window directly above. There is nothing there but a single piece of decorative parchment, resting against a crisp new envelope.</p><p>He pulls out his special quill from its ink stand, dipping it into the ink and signing the letter at the bottom with a flourishing script.</p><p><em>All my love,</em> he writes painstakingly. <em>Your faithful admirer.</em></p><p>Using a spell to dry the ink, he folds the parchment—taking extra care to ensure sharp, clean edges—and delicately teases the paper into the envelope. When the front of the envelope is all sealed and addressed, he turns to where his eagle owl eagerly sits in his cage, envelope in hand.</p><p>He unlocks the gilded door of the large gold cage, cooing to Aphrodite. His lovely pet chitters back at him, his wide amber eyes bright and curious. He lets Aphrodite out of his cage, stroking his gold and brown feathers. Aphrodite turns his head to peck lightly at his wrist.</p><p>"Don't you look beautiful?" Gilderoy murmurs to his owl. "You look almost as good as I do! You seem well rested today."</p><p>Aphrodite preens, and Gilderoy looks on proudly at the gesture. He has taught his pet so well.</p><p>Aphrodite continues to groom his feathers, moving sinuously in long, refined motions as Gilderoy ties his envelope to his owl's leg with a piece of golden ribbon. <em>My owl really is beautiful,</em> Gilderoy thinks as he watches his pet move. Worthy of the name Aphrodite; worthy of being Gilderoy Lockhart's prized companion.</p><p>Not for the first time, he silently laughs at the fools who thought him insane for paying the bagful of Galleons he had for his precious owl.</p><p>When his owl is done preening, he stares down haughtily from his perch on Gilderoy's hand. His well-groomed feathers shine a burnished gold, haloed against the morning sunlight from the window. His deep eyes shine brighter than ever.</p><p><em>Yes,</em> Gilderoy thinks, <em>I did right to name him Aphrodite.</em></p><p>He knows what <em>some </em>people think of him for naming his male owl the name of a female goddess. They are but few in number. They are the unsightly, bitter ones who resent his fame and beauty and success. They are the ones whom no one ever listens to. They are the ones like Severus Snape.</p><p>They are the ones who don't recognise his genius.</p><p>And <em>please</em>. He knows that Severus Snape thinks his owl has adopted a little too much of his personality, judging by the frequent scowls of disdain thrown his way at the breakfast table. Severus Snape should know, then, that there is absolutely no way Aphrodite could ever feel emasculated by his name. Why, has Gilderoy himself ever shown to be insecure in his virility?</p><p>"Alright, you handsome devil," Gilderoy says, with a smile he reserves only for his owl and his lover, "Now, you know what to do with this."</p><p>Aphrodite hoots softly.</p><p>"Good boy," Gilerdoy grins with pride, "And when you make the stop at the Owlery, make sure to send the owls with the biggest gifts to me first, eh? It's my first year as a professor here; I need to make a good impression."</p><p>Aphrodite hoots again, louder this time.</p><p>"Off you go, then."</p><p>Gilderoy opens the latch of his window, letting in a stiff morning breeze. The second the glass panes open wide enough, Aphrodite flies off. Gilderoy observes him till he swerves around a tall turret of the castle and rounds the corner, nothing but a dark speck in the warm-hued horizon.</p><p><em>Aphrodite belongs among the dawn skies,</em> he thinks dreamily as he watches the majestic bird's flight. Beauty has always enchanted him—none more than his own, but Aphrodite comes a close second. And the view from his room here at Hogwarts strikes an impressive third.</p><p>Professor Dumbledore has provided him with magnificent quarters, with large rooms and beautiful vistas. As far as he has travelled around the world, Gilderoy surmises with a contented smile, there has been no view as pleasing as the endless skies and cosmic countryside from a high-enough vantage at Hogwarts. And Gilderoy, being a celebrity so critically acclaimed and a household name to boot, deserves nothing but the best.</p><p>He takes a few minutes more to soak in the view. Today is a good day, and he must savour every little pleasure he finds. He has worked hard to make this day special.</p><p>Countless hours he has spent staring at the portraits of himself in his office as he attempts to plan and plot with all of his lookalikes. Some of them can be quite high maintenance—he wonders how those portrait animators could have gotten his personality so <em>wrong,</em> he really should have cut their pay more—and he finds it difficult to demand anything from a man as beautiful as himself. So he has had to think it all up himself, and he is proud of what he has accomplished. And he didn't once make use of a Memory Charm! Such an achievement, for him, has been thoroughly unprecedented.</p><p>The festivity is in good cause, though. The school is celebrating his triumph over the mysterious heir of some secret chamber—he doesn't quite recall all the details; the last incident had occurred all the way back in December, a whole month and a half ago. But he had defeated this unidentified threat, no doubt by his fearless personality and bold stance, and this <em>heir </em>person hasn't bothered the occupants of the castle since.</p><p>Good riddance, as well. How could he let Hogwarts harbour this… this infamous <em>thief,</em> taking over his turf and stealing his attention!</p><p>He had proposed his initiative to Dumbledore as a morale-booster to the students, and boost morale, it indeed will. What better day to have it on than Valentine's Day, the day of romance and love? Students and teachers alike will adore him <em>forever</em>.</p><p>And, today being such a wonderful morning, he can just picture how perfectly the rest of this day will unravel. He can <em>taste </em>it. It will be glorious.</p><p>He turns away reluctantly to get started on his day. <em>The view will be there for him tomorrow,</em> he pacifies himself—and the day after, and every day after that.</p><p>He works through his tedious grooming routine, using his special hair potion and fragrance for the occasion. He doesn't need a mirror to know that he looks perfect. He has spent years learning to angle his hands just right when doing his hair, and the result these days is quick, fabulous and mirror-less.</p><p>He looks again at his red silk robes as he laces up his boots. The colour looks good on him—every colour does, of course, but shades of red set off his golden-blond hair and pale skin tone wonderfully—yet he can't help but feel something lacking in his wardrobe choice today. He sits there on the edge of his king-size bed and deliberates over it for a while, trying to put a finger on the problem.</p><p>"Aha!" he exclaims when he gets it. "I need to equate myself more with the theme I've chosen!"</p><p>It's lucky, he thinks, that he caught his grievous flaw while he still could. Such a waste of opportunity it would be, if he stepped out of his doors without a hint of his chosen theme colour. When people see the magnificence he has brought to the Great Hall, they need to instantly attribute the transformation to <em>his </em>efforts.</p><p>He applies a temporary Colour-Changing Spell to his expensive robes, making it as mild as he possibly can to keep the fabric untarnished. The result is a little darker than he had intended, but no matter—he knows that he'll still look good in it. He looks good in everything.</p><p>He has his things for the day all set out, and he simply has to straighten things a little before he can exit his rooms. When he finishes tidying up, he makes for the window so that he can shut it and lock up. Before he reaches for the latch, however, something shiny catches his eye.</p><p>He bends down to pick up the single feather nestled among the springy carpet. Soft and downy as ever, he finds, as he strokes its glistening gold underside. The feather is as gorgeous as every other part of Aphrodite.</p><p>He sets it on his desk with a smile. He will head out tomorrow to his quill-maker to get another of his special quills commissioned. He is far from running out, but one can never have too many quills. And he would never think to waste a single of Aphrodite's precious feathers.</p><p>What was it that Severus Snape had once mocked his owl with? That he should have been named <em>Narcissus </em>instead, "after his master"? Yes, that was it. Gilderoy remembers his grating scoff all too vividly.</p><p>"Severus Snape is a real piece of work," he tells the feather. "You are beautiful, like the goddess Aphrodite. You're nothing like Narcissus, and neither am I! Besides, from what I remember, no one ever liked Narcissus much, so we're both completely unrelated as individuals."</p><p>His blood still boils at being called <em>vain</em>. Him, vain? How ridiculous. Just because he is both the epitome of a perfect human specimen and has a modicum of self-worth, and <em>Severus Snape</em> can't say the same about himself for either of the two…</p><p>He sniffs, resolving to shove that particular incident to the back of his mind for today. He is above such petty grudges. Also, he supposes that Severus Snape can for once be excused for his malevolence. After all, Gilderoy <em>did </em>soundly beat the man at the duelling club he had started in December.</p><p>He reckons he can be the bigger man and also forgive Severus Snape for knocking him flat on his arse back then. The man seems the type to lash out when put on the spot.</p><p>Still, the audacity of that git to imply that he's conceited is simply appalling.</p><p>Before he leaves, he seeks out his lover a final time. The man stands in his usual spot in the room, looking just as gorgeous as when Gilderoy last left him. When Gilderoy sees him, he smiles, and in a split second, the man returns it with a radiant smile of his own.</p><p>"You look divine," Gilderoy whispers softly to him. "Better than a life-sized trophy. I <em>like </em>it."</p><p>The man has exchanged his red silk robes for pink, the exact shade of Gilderoy's own newly-altered ones. The colour doesn't flatter him the same way the red did, but it still looks undeniably appealing on him. The pink shade is bright and eye-catching, accentuating the glowing paleness of his alabaster skin and fair hair.</p><p>His lovely golden hair is curled in the same style as Gilderoy's, with a single long lock falling just so above one baby blue eye. They are a deep cornflower blue, Gilderoy's favourite shade—he has the exact same eyes, but of course, that has nothing to do with his liking of the colour.</p><p>The man copies Gilderoy's movements, lifting his chin when Gilderoy does, and examining him with an assessing—appreciative—stare the very way Gilderoy gazes back at him.</p><p>It is wonderful to see.</p><p>"Well, I must take my leave," Gilderoy says, sighing sadly. "Don't go away, darling. I will count down every second till I get to see you again."</p><p>The man sighs back, but nods in resigned agreement. With one last intimate smile, Gilderoy leaves.</p><p>Right before he exits through the door, he chances a final look back. A floor length mirror stands in the spot where his lover had been, the reflective glass sparkling and the sapphires and emeralds embedded into the design work on the frame glistening softly.</p><p>There is no sign of the man, but Gilderoy knows that he is right there, waiting longingly for him to come back.</p><p>.oOo.</p><p>The Great Hall looks positively stunning. Gilderoy enlisted the help of all the Hogwarts elves in the castle last night, showing them exactly what he wanted before he retired for the night. It was quite exhausting to show them the spells and methods for each and every decoration, but he's thankful that he could get them to do all the work.</p><p>What he's more thankful for, though, is that he didn't have to perform that many Memory Charms all in one night after the work was done. He had counted approximately a hundred elves before he left for bed last night. It would have been… a lot of spells.</p><p>His efforts were worth it, though. He can feel himself standing straighter as he looks around at everything he has made happen. There are lovely, large pink flowers bunched together in symmetric designs, twisting and snaking their way along the walls. He had ordered the elves to make garlands of the flowers to cover up the hideous portraits behind the teachers' table. The fat, old and ugly men and women hidden behind the flowers did <em>not </em>suit the theme at all. The elves had done a good job; all he could see of them were little peeks at snarling faces and pacing feet.</p><p>He had even gotten the elves to charm some heart-shaped confetti to fall from the enchanted dome ceiling, and the tiny pink hearts drifting gently down to cover the tables and floor added a touch of serenity to the scene.</p><p>Someone would have to be blind not to notice the recurring theme here. He feels so proud of his efforts.</p><p>And at the very center of his masterpiece—the crowning glory of it all—stands Gilderoy, resplendent in his matching pink robes and camera-ready smile. If this was another Witch Weekly event, he'd be a shoe-in for the Most Charming Smile Award for the sixth time in a row.</p><p>"Good morning, all!" Gilderoy booms brightly to everyone at the breakfast table. "Lovely day, isn't it?"</p><p>The house tables are mostly empty at the moment—it's still only seven; they have plenty of time till the students arrive—but the majority of the school staff are already present. They sit primly at their places, each one looking more dour than the next, and none of them respond to him.</p><p>Never matter. They must still be adjusting to the early morning. Not many were morning persons like him.</p><p>Gilderoy looks around quickly, but the only open seat close to the center of the table is the one right beside Severus Snape. He makes a face at that internally, but resigns himself to the man's company. Oh, the sacrifices he makes in the name of recognition.</p><p>On the bright side, Snape is seated right next to Minerva McGonagall, who always sits besides Dumbledore's throne chair in the middle of the table. This should be as close to being the center of attention as he can get.</p><p>When he takes the chair to Severus Snape's right, the normally sour-faced man looks positively acidic. Gilderoy chooses to ignore the groan of annoyance, grinning brightly at the surly man.</p><p>"Good morning, Severus! How are you today?"</p><p>Severus grunts louder. "Unless you have good news, don't speak to me."</p><p>Gilderoy blinks. "Today is the day of love! Of romance and joy and all things good. Isn't that itself good news?"</p><p>Severus glares silently at his mostly-empty plate.</p><p>"So, how do you like the decorations?" Gilderoy opts to continue. "Rather fine, don't you think?" He isn't about to let Severus Snape ruin his moment. Not after all the work he has put in.</p><p>"That's <em>one </em>word for it," comes a mutter from Gilderoy's other side. He turns to face Filius Flitwick, confused at the little man's statement.</p><p>"What do you mean, Filius?" he asks, cocking his head. "Do you find a better description to be more suitable? Do tell."</p><p>"No, no," Filius hastily says, and the giant moustache which covers a third of his face bounces wildly in tandem. "They're great, Gilderoy. Very… pink."</p><p>Gilderoy smiles, reassured. "I thought it added character. It looks good, eh?"</p><p>Filius smiles weakly in response. Hmm, maybe the man's eggs are bad.</p><p>When Gilderoy reaches to serve himself from the array of breakfast foods, he makes sure to stay well away from the eggs. He thinks he spies a few bits of confetti in one of the egg dishes, so he's done well to avoid them.</p><p>Once he has had his first bites of toast, he tries to engage Severus in conversation again.</p><p>"So, Severus—do you plan to decorate your Potions classroom for the occasion? The place could use some colour, you know."</p><p>Severus turns his oily black head to glare balefully at him, and too late, Gilderoy realises that he has interrupted the man's conversation with Minerva.</p><p>Oh well. It isn't like the man would have had anything important to say to her, anyway.</p><p>"Don't you have better things to do than bother me?" Severus says, and the look on his face is blacker than the stark black of his bat-like robes. Gilderoy would shudder in fear, but he is too busy cataloguing for the hundredth time all the many thousands of ways Severus Snape looks unfit to be in public.</p><p>Merlin, even his nails are atrocious. It is astounding just how well Severus Snape fails at looking even the slightest bit presentable. And on Valentine's Day, to boot! Inexcusable.</p><p>"You seem particularly jolly today," he quips with an overly pleasant smile.</p><p>"I don't have the energy to pretend to like you today," Severus sarcastically retorts. "Today will be catastrophic enough without your scintillating presence to herald the day."</p><p>His voice is frigid, and his cold black eyes have never looked more icy. Gilderoy fights a grimace.</p><p>"Bad night?" he asks, trying to sound genuinely sympathetic.</p><p>"<em>Yes</em>," Severus drawls dryly, "The mere conjecture of a castle of overly hormonal prepubescents and adolescents being given the right to overrun this school with their deplorable deportment and pitiful confessions of love is what keeps me up at night. Oh, the woes of young love."</p><p>"Well," Gilderoy replies, trying even harder to sound like he cares, "I'm sure it must be a rough transition for you. I hadn't considered how difficult it must be for you to get the children in line when you teach such a strict practice."</p><p>"Lockhart, you dolt," Severus starts acidically, and now, Gilderoy lets himself show his indignance. "I have managed a school-full of thick-skinned brats who deem themselves to be above the rules for <em>eleven years</em>. I can very well handle a <em>single </em>day where they consider themselves to be Aldrich the Amorous to top their many other delusions."</p><p>Gilderoy swallows. The look on Severus Snape's face tells him just how well he <em>handles </em>his students. As he turns to blink dumbly at his toast, he fervently hopes that none of those handling methods involve any medieval era torture devices. Not because he's worried for the children, no, but because Severus Snape is the type who would decide to use it on him as well without much persuasion, or any at all.</p><p>Gilderoy… has not been known to handle pain very well.</p><p>"Now," Severus continues, "If you're done bothering me with your inane attempts at conversation, I'd like to get back to my more constructive discussion with Minerva."</p><p>"Inane!" Gilderoy gasps, affronted, swiftly turning to frown at the man for being so rude. "How dare you! I was simply trying to be nice to a colleague. You can't fault me for being nice!"</p><p>"True," Severus hums, looking like he is deliberating over Gilderoy's statement, "I suppose I should agree. Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you're abusing the privilege."</p><p>Gilderoy gapes. "<em>Stupid.</em>"</p><p>"Well," Severus retorts, "what else would you call engaging me at seven in the morning on the worst day of the year? Foolishness? Because again, I suppose I'd have to agree."</p><p>Gilderoy simply stares.</p><p>Severus' overly large nose twitches, his nostrils flaring up. "Now," he suddenly snarls, "if you do not have anything worthwhile to say, shut the bloody hell up."</p><p>So saying, the man goes back to glaring at his plate.</p><p>A couple of little pink hearts land onto his single slice of bacon, and the way his glower deepens makes it clear that if the plate could spontaneously combust, it would burst into flames right then and there. Gilderoy feels sorry for the plate; it doesn't deserve to be made such an unfortunate victim.</p><p>Gilderoy doesn't say another word to him in response. Something tells him that Severus would find him a much more flammable target than the bone china, and he doesn't fancy his silk robes being ruined. Or his hair. He has spent years tending to his hair, and he doesn't appreciate the thought of having to grow it out again.</p><p>Besides, wigs are unbelievably itchy. <em>That,</em> he knows from experience.</p><p>He sits quietly in his seat and munches on his toast, waiting for the owls to start coming in.</p><p>Filius doesn't talk to him, and Severus doesn't even look in his direction again, but that's okay—he can spot the first owl swooping in already. And of course, the owl heads straight for him, not that he ever had reason to doubt.</p><p>Gilderoy straightens up in his chair. Should he have organised for some sort of delivery system? What if the sheer amount of owls addressed to him ambushes them at the table? It would ruin the aesthetic. The bloody birds could <em>scratch his robes.</em></p><p>He braces himself in his chair, but he finds no entourage behind the lone owl. Okay then. This works too. He's sure there will be more later.</p><p>He isn't disappointed by the lack of flock. He <em>isn't.</em></p><p>When the owl gets close enough to hover right above Gilderoy's head, it simply drops its envelope smack dab in the middle of his marmalade. Beating its wings hastily, it flies off as quickly as it had arrived.</p><p>When Gilderoy sees the colour of the mail, he knows why.</p><p>He pastes on a pleased smile and, picking the envelope off his breakfast, he opens the bright red sleeve of the Howler.</p><p>It jumps up with a scuttling jerk, hovering high in the air as it flaps itself open.</p><p>"I LOVE YOU, GILDEROY!" it shrieks in grating falsetto. "I'M YOUR NUMBER ONE FAN!"</p><p>There's a ear-splitting shriek, amplified thrice louder by the Howler, and then the clearly besotted character starts an equally ear-splitting rendition of Celestina Warbeck's <em>A Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love,</em> very high-pitched, and <em>very </em>off-tune.</p><p>Gilderoy's smile starts to grow strained the longer the shrieking sustains itself. Merciful Merlin, he's sure that this is well-intentioned, and he would never say no to gaining a fan, but this is <em>not </em>the first impression he had been going for as a first-time teacher in this castle.</p><p>He can feel glares on him from the surrounding teachers. He ignores them all, continuing to smile genially.</p><p>When the Howler eventually tires itself out—the voice had gone through the blasted song <em>twice,</em> how was their voice not hoarse yet?—it implodes in a shower of red. Surprisingly, there are no flames, but a shower of brilliant red hearts and stars float their way to settle on his plate.</p><p>His toast is covered in the red confetti. He has to switch out plates.</p><p>Severus Snape has <em>one </em>tiny blooming piece on his bacon, but by the way the man scowls at him, one would be more likely to assume that Severus Snape has been personally attacked by a whole mountain of black glitter.</p><p>The meal goes on. The students start to turn up in lazy groups of twos and threes, and Gilderoy has the pleasure of seeing the shock and awe on each of their faces. Some of them look utterly baffled. Most of them look distinctly unprepared. That's okay, Gilderoy's genius can be quite overwhelming for the common folk. He understands their surprise.</p><p>The kids sport some highly curious expressions when they spot Gilderoy in his marvelous dress robes. He just wishes he could decipher them. Are they mystified? Enchanted? Do they wish they were more like him?</p><p>He gets more fanmail, a couple more Howlers—thankfully, none as striking as the first—and at least ten large boxes of chocolates. One of his many admirers sends him a bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavoured Beans, and he makes sure to settle the offending bag as far away from his best gifts as he can. Honestly, how <em>cheap.</em> Some people have no sense of his worth.</p><p>He finishes up his breakfast quickly, choosing to offer his complete attention to the owls from his countless fans as he sits up straight in his chair to receive them. He meets each bird with his award-winning smile as he unburdens them of his gifts. From the periphery of his vision, he can see some of the young witches seated closer to the Head Table swoon.</p><p>A large portion of the letters he receives are from some of his very own students. It makes him smile to read them, and he feels his happiness surge every time he catches a reference to one of his own books in them. His favourite is the foot and a half parchment from Hermione Granger, where she cites most of his adventures in his best-selling handbook, <em>Gadding with Ghouls</em>, and even includes a paragraph long quotation from his book, word for word.</p><p>But even as he sits in his seat with his award-winning smile, subtly counting his letters, he has one eye open for the owl he awaits the most.</p><p><em>Where is Aphrodite?</em> he wonders, as he counts sixty-two parchments.</p><p>Just as he is about to scan the side vents in search of his owl, he spies Aphrodite's majestic feathers glistening in the bright morning light. Aphrodite zooms straight for him, swooping down in controlled flight. He looks on as he sees his owl heading for him, smiling his first purely genuine smile since he entered the Great Hall.</p><p>"What have you got for me, boy?" he asks his bird as Aphrodite lands before him. Graceful as ever, Aphrodite doesn't jostle a single plate. Gilderoy is so proud.</p><p>Aphrodite holds out a claw to him, and he gently unravels the shining golden ribbon tied to his leg, plucking out and loosening the rolled-up envelope tied within its confines.</p><p>"What's this?" Gilderoy asks, but of course, Aphrodite doesn't have an answer.</p><p>He opens up the envelope, pulling out a parchment with beautiful scrolling along its borders. A letter is inked on it in flourishing calligraphy, flawless and smooth. The scarlet ink shows up wonderfully against the ivory parchment.</p><p>"Dear Gilderoy," he reads aloud. "You know who I am. I have loved you since before I knew what love was. You are a sight to behold, from the tip of your golden head to your perfectly proportioned feet. How could I not fall in love?"</p><p>Gilderoy's eyes widen. He glances left and right, then reads the rest of the long letter to himself. None of the other teachers <em>look </em>interested—none of them even deign to spare him a glance, actually—but he knows how fickle curiosity can be. No one likes to admit it, but they all want to listen in.</p><p>It's a very flattering letter. It elaborates on each and every one of his best features—which is all of them, and his letter-writer certainly knows it—and goes on to mention several declarations of love, and some deliciously suggestive imagery. Gilderoy shivers at some of the pictures the letter paints in his mind. He finds himself smiling wider and wider with each line; he most certainly knows who the writer of this sweet love letter is.</p><p><em>Our love is a forbidden one,</em> the letter ends, <em>but the world cannot stop me from loving you. I adore you, darling, and I would like nothing more than to spend this momentous day in the pleasure of your company. However many hours you are willing to gift to me, I will accept and savour every second.</em></p><p>
  <em>All my love,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Your faithful admirer.</em>
</p><p>Gilderoy feels himself tearing up.</p><p>For the rest of breakfast time, he simply sits there and reads his letter. Over and over he reads the words, tracing every loop of his name with a reverent finger and admiring the perfect calligraphy decorating the parchment. He gets five more letters and two more sweet-boxes, but he doesn't spare them more than a passing glance.</p><p>The expression at the very bottom makes his heart flutter. <em>All my love, </em>he reads for the fifth time, <em>Your faithful admirer.</em></p><p>The word 'admirer' has never looked more beautiful than in a script so impeccably divine. Why, it reminds him of his own masterful wielding of the quill—the handwriting is so exactly like his own.</p><p>He knows who it is, of course. And when his classes are all good and done, he cannot wait to go back to his wonderful lover and bring all those tantalising suggestions inked on the parchment into reality.</p><p>.oOo.</p><p>"Everyone!" Gilderoy calls, standing up and waving for silence. He has ten minutes before breakfast ends to show everyone the lengths he has gone through to make this Valentine's Day the best Hogwarts has ever seen.</p><p>The Great Hall quiets down eventually, a thousand bright young faces staring up at him with wide eyes. He beams at them all, putting on his biggest, most spectacular smile. Somewhere in the far back, he thinks he sees a third-year girl faint.</p><p>"Happy Valentine's Day!" Gilderoy booms. His voice carries perfectly through the colossal room. "And may I thank the forty-six people who have so far sent me cards! Yes, I have taken the liberty of arranging this little surprise for you all—and it doesn't end here!"</p><p>Gilderoy claps his hands dramatically, and silently holds his breath for his cue to be answered. He has timed it perfectly, sent them a quick message beforehand to stand ready, and all he needs is for them to hold up their side of the bargain...</p><p>There is a sudden stomping noise outside, and through the giant doors of the Great Hall marches in a row of the surliest, ugliest dwarves. Gilderoy grimaces one again at the sight of their unappealing faces, but manages to hold it in through his smile.</p><p>Well, at least they don't look completely hideous. Gilderoy holds a personal mission on this day to help out the less fortunate, and this year, he has focused his attention on these sad-looking creatures. Even if he can make them feel less like trolls for a single day, he's still helped them, right? He has given them a memory for a lifetime. Yes, this certainly counts as his good deed for the year.</p><p>"My friendly, card-carrying cupids!" he beams at the school brightly. The students are more occupied staring at the dwarves. "They will be roving around the school today delivering your valentines!"</p><p>He's had the bright idea of dressing them up in gold. Nothing like a little sparkle to make a person feel beautiful, right? Each of the dozen of them wear large gold wings to top it off, toting around the too-large harps he has procured for them.</p><p>Gilderoy can only imagine the joy he has brought to them. Sure, they seem far too prickly to look happy, but maybe they look even grumpier than this any other day. He wouldn't know; he doesn't make a habit of looking at ugly things.</p><p>He lets the students gape at the dwarves a little more before he continues his little speech. He swivels around to take in the expressions of all his fellow teachers, but they all stare ahead, completely stony-faced. He blinks, but shrugs away the confusion. Maybe his co-workers find it more professional to not display unrestrained delight. Maybe they think that it might make them look childish.</p><p>"Yes, yes," he says when he's tired of having the attention drawn away from him, "And the fun doesn't stop here! I'm sure my colleagues will want to enter into the spirit of the occasion! Why not ask Professor Snape to show you how to whip up a Love Potion? And while you're at it, Professor Flitwick knows more about Entrancing Enchantments than any wizard I've ever met, the sly old dog!"</p><p>He turns around to wink at Filius, but finds the man's head buried in his hands.</p><p>He sits down with a flourish of glossy pink robes, beaming around at everyone once again. When he looks at the teachers, he finds every last one giving him dark looks, Severus Snape's the blackest of them all. Dumbledore, in the very middle, gazes around at the students happily, the only one sporting oblivious happiness instead of a glare promising murder.</p><p>He stares at everyone, confused.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>None of them reply, but Minerva silently reaches for the full jug of pumpkin juice—the only jug not empty—next to her and pours a gobletful of the liquid, all the way to the brim.</p><p>"Anyone else?" she asks cryptically, and Severus reaches out for the pitcher just as silently and pours a goblet just as full.</p><p>Severus passes the jug over to Filius, rudely leaning over Gilderoy to stretch. When the pitcher darts under his nose, he gets a distinct whiff of something smoky yet syrupy—rum.</p><p>The pitcher makes the rounds all through the teachers' table, but Gilderoy doesn't get any.</p><p>.oOo.</p><p>Gilderoy's last class is done, and he's more than ready to retire to his rooms for the day. He has been bubbling with pride at the sheer scope of his success today, and tingling with anticipation for the hours to come.</p><p>He had expected a wild response to the cupid-valentines, but nothing as astounding as the response he has witnessed so far. Everywhere he looked, there was a winged, gold-clad dwarf scuttling around with a harp and a card, searching for the one they were meant to deliver their present to. It had gotten to a point where the dwarves barged in on all his classes, calling out the names of their intended recipients in their gruff loud voices.</p><p>Gilderoy smiles as he recalls all the interruptions. It had been so rewarding to see the bright shock on all the little ones' faces, and all the wide-eyed, undoubtedly admiring looks from all their peers as they were gifted their valentine in front of their audience.</p><p>Some of the children's friends had been so happy for them, they'd had to hide their smiling faces behind their palms, or books clutched within their grasp out in the hallways.</p><p>And to top it all off, it had given him a blessed reprieve from doing any teaching. He had only had to bluster his way through lessons for two-thirds the duration of his classes.</p><p>A roaring success, today had been, and Gilderoy cannot wait to see what new glories he brings to this school in the years to come.</p><p>He heads single-mindedly for his rooms—luckily, he only had a half day of lessons scheduled for this day of the week, so he didn't have to stick around in his classroom for very long. However, every second for him had drawn into hours, and he is more than ready to see his lover again.</p><p>He hears a commotion as he passes the corridor to the Transfiguration classroom, and curiosity gives him incentive to peek around the corner. The first thing he notices is the gaggle of students that hover along the edges of the corridor, giving a wide berth to the two figures sprawled comically at the center.</p><p>Twelve year old Harry Potter lies face down on the ground, with his glasses askew on his face and his bag still hanging on to his wrist by its strap. Its contents are strewn in a messy halo by the boy's head, A dwarf sits grumpily on Harry's ankles, twanging his harp and belting out a musical valentine off-tune in a mightily gruff voice.</p><p>"—<em>eyes are green as a fresh pickled toad,</em></p><p>
  <em>His hair is dark as a blackboard.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I wish he was mine, he's really divine,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The hero who conquered the Dark Lord."</em>
</p><p>Gilderoy grins happily at the adorable scene before him. All the students are smiling and laughing joyfully, and Harry Potter blushes a brilliant red. Infatuation, maybe? Ah, young love.</p><p>He stays around to watch as Percy Weasley the prefect disperses the crowd, still looking on as the dwarf stomps away and leaves Harry with blush bright cheeks and an awkward smile.</p><p>Soon enough, however, the anticipation kicks in and takes hold of him again. He turns away to continue his journey to his own tower and go back to his own lover.</p><p>"I don't think Potter liked your Valentine much!" he hears a spiteful voice yell faintly as he leaves, and he shakes his head fondly in response. Kids, these days.</p><p>He has successfully and single handedly undertaken matchmaking for all the children at Hogwarts, but now, it's time for him to have a taste of happiness himself.</p><p>He longs to see the beautiful face of his lover—it's only been a few hours, but he already misses his fair locks and swoon worthy smile. He yearns to feel his lips, smooth as glass, and savour the citrusy taste of him, so like the lemon-scented glass cleaner he prefers. He wants to admire every inch of his lover's perfection. Gaze at him for hours, with the lights dimmed and the candles lit…</p><p>And he still has to thank the man for his lovely letter. Oh, he has to thank him very, very well.</p><p>And he has just the idea for it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Again, don't blame me, this is Bex's fault. Her words were, and I quote, "By the way, Lockhart/Mirror is a beautiful thing," and me being the curious person I am and having completely innocent intentions—I swear, completely innocent—I decided to find out just how beautiful Lockhart and his Reflection are. I got my answer.</p><p>And for all those still wondering, yes, Gilderoy Lockhart did, in fact, write himself a love letter and mail it to himself in a public place for all to see. How bad is it that I would wholly believe this to be canon?</p><p>If you liked it, or hated it, or you just want to scream at me for a hundred words straight, you know where the review box is ;)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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